While digging into this issue, I've learned that there is a condition called misophonia and I seem to have it. I wasn't born with it, as some extremely unfortunate people have been, but I appear to be prone to developing it. Misophonia manifests as a hatred of certain sounds. In my case, it is deep, loud, bass noises which vibrate the floor. Even at low levels, it gets on my nerves, though I have to say that it didn't used to and that I've become hyper-vigilant about it as the neighbors have been ramped up the noise and been increasingly disrespectful of those of us living above them.
The site I linked to in the previous paragraph mentions a metaphor that I coincidentally used when talking about what this was wadding up my undies so tightly. This noise is like fingernails on a blackboard. It is nearly impossible to ignore no matter how hard I try. Of course, there is the added difficulty of how not thinking about something or attempting to ignore it tends to focus your attention on it all the more.
I should note that my earliest experience with misophonia was when I was a teenager. I remember my mother sitting on the sofa reading a book and continuously making an annoying little throat clearing noise. I tried to ignore it, but it just got more and more under my skin. I asked my mother why she did it and she said she wasn't making any noise. My father said that she certainly was and she denied it again, but both of us pointed out when she next made this noise. Eventually, I just left the room when she started making this irritating little sound. This early experience is what makes me believe that I'm constitutionally prone to misophonia. At that time, it was easy to get away. Unfortunately, in my present situation, it is far more complicated, so I compiled a list of coping strategies a little over a week ago and mailed it to myself to reference:
I instructed myself to read this list when it starts to ramp up:
2. Tell yourself that, while it is annoying, it is not that bad. It could be worse (could be loud rap music or something more frequent).
3. Tell yourself that you can, if necessary, escape it either in the short or long term. You are not trapped even though you may feel that way.
4. Understand that it is random and not personal. No one is trying to hurt you. You are collateral damage.
5. Create positive stimuli to focus on - watch a video, listen to music, take a walk (if possible), jump on the trampoline
6. Focus on a task. Write. Clean. Read. It may be necessary to listen to a white noise or background sounds to help as these are quiet tasks. Multi-tasking may be most effective.
7. Understand that you have allies to support you in dealing with this both logistically (property manager) and psychologically (husband).
8. Focus on your body's responses (stomach knotting, heart beating faster, tension filling your face and upper body) and try to relax them or stop these responses consciously.
9. Sooth using sensations. Hold a debu neko (a stuffed toy cat from japan). Light a candle to create a pleasant scent and focus on the flame. Draw circles in one palm with the other.
10. Remember that, even if you stay here for now, this situation is a transition, not permanent. Some day, you will move past this. You do not have to tolerate it forever. It is just a temporary experience.
11. Remember that whatever coping techniques you build to deal with this now will be with you to employ in future difficult situations. Look at this as skill building instead of a test of your limited resolve.
12. Understand that your resolve is limited and it is okay to admit that it is sometimes going to be tapped out. Try to deal with this outcome, should it come to pass, as something that is understandable. It's okay to cry about it. It's okay to self-soothe in some (hopefully non-destructive) fashion.
13. Put the situation in perspective in regards to your entire life. This is a blip in the continuum. What is important is love and growth. What is important is building a life and a character that fits your ideal. Being activated by this is not part of that ideal. Being capable of managing your response is.
14. Remember that you have survived and endured greater hardships than this for long periods of time. You are more than capable of managing this intrusive issue.
15. To escape the floor vibrations, jump on the trampoline or lie on the bed (depending on whether you want to move or not). Put your feet up under the desk or rest them on a pillow.
I have used some of the items on this list in the past week and it has helped, though it doesn't always help. I also downloaded a bunch of nature sounds (rain, waterfalls, rushing rivers, etc.) and spent the better part of a morning saturation listening to it. That was actually pretty exhausting because I had to have it up super loud and the truth is that I have been training myself up until now to deal better with silence than incessant noise.
There was a time in the past when I was so unhappy with my own thoughts that being alone with them was unbearable. I'd constantly have T.V. on in the background or be doing something. I needed the "white noise" of banal words and thoughts to stop me from thinking negative thoughts or ruminating. I realized this was not a good thing (hence the "orderly mind" business) and trained myself to be okay in the silence and to deal with my thoughts. Now, I feel really resentful that someone else's rude behavior is pushing me back into needing to saturation bomb my senses so I don't hear obnoxious noises, but I'll have to deal with it and realize that this isn't about the same issue as before.
At any rate, yesterday, I reached a new level in coping which should start some serious movement toward better coping and possible recovery. Up until then, I had to drown out or escape the noises. Now, I'm trying to work with being okay with their presence. The message now is that I can be "okay" when I hear them. I don't have to have an emotional reaction or get frustrated, angry, or upset. I tell myself that they are just sounds and they don't matter. They are part of the tapestry of life and no more or less a part of it than the street noise, birds, and other neighbors sounds that I routinely tune out. I'm not past my reactions, but I'm making progress.
The only down side to this, and this is not my constructing worry webs or grandiose outcomes, is that I know that if I mellow completely, the neighbors are likely to do what they've been doing for the last nine months. That is, if my husband and I don't complain, they'll gradually start getting louder and then listening more loudly more often then later at night and earlier in the morning. Part of what created this loop of suffering and brought on this misophonia is the anxiety that was built around the patterns of their behavior. That is, the cycle of them being loud, us complaining to the manager, his telling them to cool it, their settling for a little while then getting louder then us complaining again and the cycle repeating. It doesn't help that they have gotten more bold and contemptuous toward us as time has gone by. Their whole attitude has become the equivalent of flipping us the bird.
It is this cycle that has put me where I am today, but I have to look at this from the viewpoint of knowing that they're on thinner ice now than they were before. The property manager has heard them blast it late at night when he comes home from work and he's been in our place and heard it clearly through our floor. While I wouldn't say he's on our side, he knows that our complaints are credible and will always do something about it, at least eventually. I'm going to use that belief to tamp down the part of me that feels out of control sufficiently to send me into a frustrated rage when I hear them playing the T.V. loudly on occasion. It's pretty much all I've got as a barrier against the anxiety when it comes down to this particular aspect of it.
Incidentally, there is a misophonia scale here. I realize that I was at level 8 on this scale as I imagined doing things like vandalizing their garden or dumping garbage on their doorstep in retaliation. Fortunately, I have been able to walk myself back from that point and am hovering between 5-7 (closer to 5 now). I'm not a bad person, but this situation made me want to do things dramatically out of character for me. There were times when it drove me close to what would be madness for me.
I have used some of the items on this list in the past week and it has helped, though it doesn't always help. I also downloaded a bunch of nature sounds (rain, waterfalls, rushing rivers, etc.) and spent the better part of a morning saturation listening to it. That was actually pretty exhausting because I had to have it up super loud and the truth is that I have been training myself up until now to deal better with silence than incessant noise.
There was a time in the past when I was so unhappy with my own thoughts that being alone with them was unbearable. I'd constantly have T.V. on in the background or be doing something. I needed the "white noise" of banal words and thoughts to stop me from thinking negative thoughts or ruminating. I realized this was not a good thing (hence the "orderly mind" business) and trained myself to be okay in the silence and to deal with my thoughts. Now, I feel really resentful that someone else's rude behavior is pushing me back into needing to saturation bomb my senses so I don't hear obnoxious noises, but I'll have to deal with it and realize that this isn't about the same issue as before.
At any rate, yesterday, I reached a new level in coping which should start some serious movement toward better coping and possible recovery. Up until then, I had to drown out or escape the noises. Now, I'm trying to work with being okay with their presence. The message now is that I can be "okay" when I hear them. I don't have to have an emotional reaction or get frustrated, angry, or upset. I tell myself that they are just sounds and they don't matter. They are part of the tapestry of life and no more or less a part of it than the street noise, birds, and other neighbors sounds that I routinely tune out. I'm not past my reactions, but I'm making progress.
The only down side to this, and this is not my constructing worry webs or grandiose outcomes, is that I know that if I mellow completely, the neighbors are likely to do what they've been doing for the last nine months. That is, if my husband and I don't complain, they'll gradually start getting louder and then listening more loudly more often then later at night and earlier in the morning. Part of what created this loop of suffering and brought on this misophonia is the anxiety that was built around the patterns of their behavior. That is, the cycle of them being loud, us complaining to the manager, his telling them to cool it, their settling for a little while then getting louder then us complaining again and the cycle repeating. It doesn't help that they have gotten more bold and contemptuous toward us as time has gone by. Their whole attitude has become the equivalent of flipping us the bird.
It is this cycle that has put me where I am today, but I have to look at this from the viewpoint of knowing that they're on thinner ice now than they were before. The property manager has heard them blast it late at night when he comes home from work and he's been in our place and heard it clearly through our floor. While I wouldn't say he's on our side, he knows that our complaints are credible and will always do something about it, at least eventually. I'm going to use that belief to tamp down the part of me that feels out of control sufficiently to send me into a frustrated rage when I hear them playing the T.V. loudly on occasion. It's pretty much all I've got as a barrier against the anxiety when it comes down to this particular aspect of it.
Incidentally, there is a misophonia scale here. I realize that I was at level 8 on this scale as I imagined doing things like vandalizing their garden or dumping garbage on their doorstep in retaliation. Fortunately, I have been able to walk myself back from that point and am hovering between 5-7 (closer to 5 now). I'm not a bad person, but this situation made me want to do things dramatically out of character for me. There were times when it drove me close to what would be madness for me.
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