"Everybody Lies"

A few months ago, my husband and I had dinner at a friend's house. While we were noshing on raw vegetables and cooked fruit - a situation which my husband found less than preferable as he prefers things the other way around - talk of relationships came up. Among other things that were said, we mentioned that we don't lie. In response to this, our friend said, "everybody lies."

To be perfectly honest, because I don't lie, there are situations in which I avoid revealing my every frank and brutal opinion. This is not the same as lying, however, as I would reveal said truths if pressed. I used to teach English to non-native speakers, and it was common for the students to ask me if their English was "good". Instead of saying that it wasn't very good relative to a native speaker, I would tell them about their strengths and weaknesses and point out areas in which they had improved since I started working with them. This answer not only spared the students' feelings, but it was truthful and constructive.

One could call that a "white lie", but there was no dishonesty in what I said. Often, this sort of framing of information is something I employ in the service of sparing feelings, but also in order not to offer a subjective and utterly useless conclusion. Even if I felt I was dealing with someone who could take "the truth", I wouldn't want to say something was "good" or "bad" because such assertions are pointless and lacking in nuance. To the classic question, "does this (piece of attire) make me look fat", I would never say "yes" or "no". I would describe the way in which the clothing made a part or parts of ones body look bigger than they truly are. This is part of how I communicate.

After I explained this to our friend and added that, while I may try to offer honesty in a palatable fashion to others, I never did not re-frame things with my husband. To him, I always told the truth. My friend responded to this by simply repeating, for about the third time, that "everybody lies." What she was saying was, "I lie," and "I lie even in the boundaries of a committed relationship." She has to believe that everyone does so as a means of normalizing her behavior and helping manage whatever negative feelings lying makes her face in herself.

One piece of "truth" about having a relationship in which people don't lie to each other is that it can sometimes be extremely painful. I've asked questions and gotten answers which were utterly devastating to me, and I've probably answered my husband's queries and the honest replies have wounded him as well. It is not an easy thing to be totally honest with someone, but it is vital if you want to have a relationship in which you truly understand each other for who you each are and that has the benefits of transparency - the main one of which is an extremely high level of trust. It's also immensely useful to be correctly understood by your partner rather than being seen as a fake persona that hides behind a tapestry of fibs.

A lot of people would rather lie and be lied to than to live in the type of situation that my husband and I do. I don't have an issue with how others choose to live their lives. As long as both parties embrace the same ethics in this regard, and both are fully prepared to deal with the consequences of those choices, then all I can say is "good for you." Unfortunately, quite often such a situation ends up in the long run not being good for anyone. The classic case of women faking sexual pleasure is the best example. If you pretend something is enjoyable when it is not, you only confuse your partner as to what is a good idea to keep doing. Ultimately, this will create a situation in which you'll spend years enduring a less than optimal sex life, or, worse, you'll have to eventually tell the truth and it'll be all that more hurtful.

My husband said a long time ago that people "get the partners they deserve". If you lie, then you get into relationships with liars. If you are honest, you will get into relationships with honest people. We attract those who are like us and they stay with us because they reinforce the sense that the relationship is being carried out as expected. Many people who have had relationships crash and burn will assert that their partner was the bad one - the liar, the cheater, the shallow one, etc.

Despite the fact that people are nowhere near as good at detecting dishonesty as they tend to believe, over the long run of a relationship, the truth will reveal itself sooner rather than later. If you don't see that, then it's often a case of willful blindness. My friend closed her eyes to what my husband and I said about our honesty because she didn't want to see it. That told us something about the way she deals with her relationships as well. She lies to herself just as she lies to others when the truth is hard to live with.